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To my dear soldier brother:
please come home,
momma's not the same,
her brain's gone lame
with all the pain.
She worries night and day.
fearing she'll never see you again.
Papa's gotten colder with you bein' away.
I've forgotten how to laugh.

The clouds are overhead again.
Do you remember way back when
when we would go cloud gazin'
when the summer sun wasn't blazin',
at least not too much.
And then you'd treat me to lunch.
Those were the days.

You remember that little boy,
the one you beat up because
he stole my toy?
He's takin' me to the movies tomorrow.
I've got momma's necklace
I am goin' to borrow.

Big Brother,
I don't want to be a bother,
but can you come back home soon?
It's almost June
and I want to go cloud gazin' again.
With Love,
your little sister,
your dove.
It's been forever since I submitted a poem. I don't know, just haven't been in the poetry writing mood- minus my English assignments.

So this was inspired by my boyfriend because he is obsessed with World War II and I was thinking of him while I was in Pre-calc after I finished my test. And I just thought of him and often times when I think about him, I think of soldiers because of his obsession and I don't know, I wanted something different.
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:iconthe-poets-of-blah:
the-poets-of-blah Featured By Owner May 4, 2010
I liked the image of a little sister writing her brother, trying to enjoy the memories she has with him. It is strong and emotional. You seem to have a talent for describing emotions and worries (judging from this poem).

But I must admit that the form you wrote it in didn't amaze me. The rhyming feels forced. As Sarah pointed out, not all poems have to rhyme. But when they rhyme, you must have a certain flow going on, otherwise it will look awkward. And non-rhyming forms can have a flow as well. See how your poems sound when you read it out loud, experiment with your words.

That's what a true artist does, after all.

Len
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:iconcosplayerlaseatia:
CosplayerLaseatia Featured By Owner May 7, 2010
Thank you, and I was trying to get it to rhyme, as it is obvious, and I am not the greatest at rhyming, I will admit, I prefer free-style, but this was an experiment that involved rhyming without being a sonnet. I will definitely take your advise and apply it to later poems. Thank you again.
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:iconanasthinkings:
anasthinkings Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2010
Very emotive and sad. And very pretty too.
Nice work!
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:iconcosplayerlaseatia:
CosplayerLaseatia Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2010
Thank you. :)
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:iconanasthinkings:
anasthinkings Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2010
you're welcome!:D
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:iconcrazylovelykate:
crazylovelykate Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2010   Writer
This touched me, especially because I grew up in a military family. My father was away 2/3 of every year when I was little, out of the country, just gone. I can't name half the places he left to go to. He's since left the military, because he got injured in some country I can't recall the name of, and it's so much better having him home, but now I have cousins in the military who are always gone. It's such a hard lifestyle, knowing that people love you but they can't be with you. . You captured the feelings very well.=)
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:iconcosplayerlaseatia:
CosplayerLaseatia Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2010
Thank you. I don't actually have anyone in the military that I am close to. My dad's nephew- so my cousin- is in the military, but I don't know him so I don't actually know what it is like to have a family member that I love deeply be away for months on end. I am aware that it is hard, though.
I am glad that it touched you. ^^
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:iconcrazylovelykate:
crazylovelykate Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2010   Writer
:) Keep writing. You're very good. :affection:
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:iconcosplayerlaseatia:
CosplayerLaseatia Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2010
Thank you. :]
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:iconjusthavetoloveit:
JustHaveToLoveIt Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2010  Student Writer
It touched me
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:iconcosplayerlaseatia:
CosplayerLaseatia Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2010
Aw, I am glad that it touched you. ^^
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:iconsarahtriceratops:
SarahTriceratops Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Needs a lot of improvement.
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:iconcosplayerlaseatia:
CosplayerLaseatia Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2010
What do you suggest that I do?
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:iconsarahtriceratops:
SarahTriceratops Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Try to stop with the rhyming in general.
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:iconaukra:
Aukra Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2010
Why don't you stop being an idiot in general. Tons of famed poets rhyme. The poem is fine.
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:iconsarahtriceratops:
SarahTriceratops Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
It could be improved.
A good poem needs flow, it doesn't HAVE to rhyme.
Rhyming can be fine.
But when you over do it, and it doesn't make sense it'll suck.
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:iconaukra:
Aukra Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2010
Okay, I must apologize for being rude.
I was having a bad day and you got the brunt of them.
I'm sorry.
Yes, everything can use improvement
And it doesn't flow well
But you just told her not to rhyme
You gave no constructive critism, you just made yourself sound a bit... Naive (for a lack of a better word).
And, the poem doesn't suck. It has a good moral and idea, it just needs work.
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:iconsarahtriceratops:
SarahTriceratops Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
It's okay.
Last time I say it,
she can rhyme, just needs to make it flow.
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